Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
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