hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
