I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
