every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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