I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
