1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
