whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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