so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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