I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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