I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
