Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
