He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
im holly from the hills drunk
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
