'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
