Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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