I wish they made helmets for livers.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
