Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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