The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
