I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
