Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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