apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
