Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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