At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
