Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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