Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
either way he was missing a nipple.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
