Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
