I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Drake has all the answers
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
