I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
