alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
