I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
