totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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