I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
