just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
