i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
