Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
