Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
