soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
