just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize