I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
