Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
