Apparently you make a good broom.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
