how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
