I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
