When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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