I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
