It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
