I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
