you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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