i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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