I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
