I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
