before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize