if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
