i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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