there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
